All Balls No Brains!

DVD Review: Fantastic 4 - Rise of the Silver Surfer (Standard Edition)

2008-02-10T10:17:00.000-08:00

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer is fluffy superhero cinema. It stars a bunch of pretty people -- even the blind woman and chromium fellow are hot -- packs in a ton of special effects, and cleans itself up nice and tidy in the end, reaffirming to any discernable viewer that nothing terrible ever really happens in movies like these. The good guys always win, the bad guys always lose, thank you for playing, now hand over your money and go home before we kick you out.

The entire group is back to defend the world from the oncoming devourer of worlds, Galactus. Galactus’ harbinger, Norrin Radd -- also known as the Silver Surfer -- has begun his routine of digging giant holes all over the globe when our heroes’ services are enlisted by the government to examine and stop whatever’s going down. After the group joins up with the government, the rest of the story becomes pretty predictable, following a familiar formula we’ve all seen time and time again: The team’s first attempt to stop the Surfer ends in failure, the dependability of one of the four is called into question, yadda yadda yadda, the questionable member seeks redemption in the end by nearly sacrificing their life for the greater good.

The acting, direction, and effects work is all pretty standard. Nothing exactly feels “phoned in,” but it’s obvious nothing was done to really push this film above and beyond the expectations set by its predecessor. The explosions are grand, the world eating is fun, and the Silver Surfer looks nice and silvery. As far as the acting is concerned, I’m still don’t buying the relationship angle between Ioan Gruffudd’s Reed Richards and Jessica Alba’s Sue Storm, but my belief in their utter lack of on-screen chemistry may just be jealously talking.

What Ioan and Jessica lack in chemistry, Chris Evans and Michael Chiklis more than make up for with their own as antagonistic buddies/teammates, Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm. These guys are fun to watch, and while much of their relationship is childish at best, they never cease to entertain. What’s unfortunate here is that this talented cast isn’t given much to do. Each character is treated as a one-note pony, behaving in ways that only personify their single basic characterization: Reed is nerdy, Sue is responsible, Johnny is obnoxious, and Ben is grumbly. While I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect every superhero be given the same treatment we’ve seen with Spider-man or the X-Men, I also don’t think it unreasonable to expect more than we’ve gotten thus far with this franchise.

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer is not a bad movie -- it’s quite entertaining at moments -- but it’s ultimately an instantly forgettable experience. Once the end credits begin to role, you’ll be off your duff and looking for something else to do or take in, spending little to no time lingering on the “greatness” or this movie. I would recommend this movie to families with kids, fans of the first film, and Jessica Alba fans -- ‘cause let’s face it; she’s down right smoking here. If none of these things apply to you, however, you can feel no shame in missing this one entirely.

ABNB! Rating: 2½ out of 5 (Cheesy fun for families, worth a rent.)

Standard Edition DVD Review:
Not much to really tell about this DVD release. It’s your typical bare bones DVD with English (5.1 Dolby Digital), Spanish (Dolby Surround), and French (Dolby Surround) audio tracks, along with English and Spanish subtitles. It’s featured in both Full Screen (1.33:1) and Wide Screen (2.40:1) on one of those nifty double-sided discs that I personally haven’t seen in years. The movie looks and sounds fantastic! The only special feature this release boasts is an audio commentary track with the film’s director, Tim Story. While Mr. Story sounds like a swell guy, my attempt at sitting through the film a second time with his commentary left me bored to tears. His approach to the commentary seemed clinical, and this need to explain his decision making process on the smallest details was zero fun to sit through. C’mon bro, it’s FF2, not Schindler’s List. Future filmmakers are not studying this movie for future ideas on how to do (or not do) certain shots -- so lighten up, drink a margarita, and have some fun.

The exclusion of deleted scenes really hurts this DVD overall. Sometimes, the business side of cinema makes it an ugly, uncaring place, and this standard edition is proof of that. Forcing people to pay extra for a two-disc special edition set, just to see deleted scenes is ridiculous. If you want to cash in, fine, release you’re fifty special edition DVDs -- but drop the price on your standard edition for those of us who don’t want two-discs of makings of, games, and comic books.

If you’re a fan of this movie, and want to own the additional goodies, I’d recommend steering clear of this standard edition, as it gives you nothing of value, other than the movie. If you’ve never seen the movie before, and don’t care about special features, rent it.

ABNB! Rating: 2 out of 5 (Rent, but not worth the purchase price.)

Stuck in My Head Pt. 1: Rappers in Space have Nothing to do with this Post

2008-02-07T01:33:00.000-08:00

It's late. I ain't tired. Figured I'd scribble a few thoughts down here in the ole ABNB! blog. Give some thoughts on things I've seen recently, links to stuff I think is cool, drop some notes on stuff I have planned. Let's start with stuff I got planned...

Right now I'm in the middle of a review for Fantastic 4: rise of the Silver Surfer. That'll be done soon. I actually have a short list of reviews I'd like to finish up by next week, so that would be cool. I'm also planning to take time to write up a profile piece on Sylvester Stallone for my "Stud of the Month" feature. I don't think it's going to stay as "Stud of the Month" though. The more I think about it, the more it sounds like some kind of gay, beefcake porn mag article, rather than a celebration of Guy Movie action stars. If anyone has any cool ideas on what to call it, I'm all ears.

So far the blog is performing better than I could have expected. I'm clocking hits in the teens each day, which is a shock. I'd like to thank Shannon Tweed for all of her support. I didn't realize there were that many people still interested in either reading about her career, or looking at non-nude pictures of her. She still has the magic, I guess -- and I'm happy to ride its coattails to monster hits. I'd also like to thank the movies Cloverfield and There Will Be Blood. A few people have been kind enough to check out my reviews of those flicks via the external reviews option over at IMDb.

I wonder what goes through someone's mind when they're looking for movie reviews over there. Like let's say Steve wants to read what others think about There Will Be Blood, but doesn't trust the big media critics. He clicks on the external reviews link and is presented a rather long (and growing) list of links -- each one linking to a review of the movie. As he scrolls he eventually sees the link I put up -- the one titled "All Balls No Brains!" -- and decides that that's a worthy link to click on. Now, if you were Steve, and you wanted to read a review of an independent art house movie made by an art house filmmaker about a turn-of-the-century oil man, does "All Balls No Brains!" sound like a link you'd be apt to click on? If it does, then I like you very much.

This blogspot thing is pretty cool. I like the easily customizable templates it provides. I'm still playing around with mine, so if changes occur, don't lose your cool.

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I've been fascinated lately by a fellow named JD Ryznar. You've probably never heard of him, but if you have, you'll recognize him as the creator and one of the stars of the great Internet based TV show, Yacht Rock. Well, I think he's really funny. He makes me laugh all the time. I'm jealous of his beard. Anyway, he has a new show he's doing now called Visits With JD, and the premise is simple -- he invites a friend over, they do something fun, and then hang out while listening to music. The shows have ranged about eight minutes or so, and involved everything from the creation of dating videos to political raps to staring a business to even drinking and driving. It's simple and effective and a whole lot of fun. His dog -- a chihuahua named Fancy Ray -- acts as his Ed McMahon, and his band is his eclectic collection of vinyl records and turntable. I urge you to see it if you have the time. If you're a really busy person, you probably shouldn't check it out, because it will keep you from getting stuff done, and that would be bad.

How's my grammar so far? Would I irritate a lit major to death or what? Sometimes, I'll just sit at the computer and start typing. Then, I'll go back and try to read what I just wrote, and I'll be like, "Jesus Christ, what retard wrote this? Punctuations all wrong, they used where when they should have used were, not to mention all those extra and unnecessary o's tacked onto those to's. This person is a moron."

I hit my head yesterday as I was going to work. Bumped it pretty good. It was dark, and I couldn't see the tree branch, but it could see me, and decided to give me a hard thwack on the dome. When I touched it, I got blood on my hands. I figured, "Gee, it's a good thing I have a hat!" I put the hat on and let the gash bleed, coagulate, and dry all day. Nobody knew, because of the hat. I work with food -- the hat was essential that day. Nobody wants to by food prepared by a guy with a visible bleeding wound on his head. I wouldn't want to by food from that guy -- unless he was wearing gloves, and a hat, then it would be okay. It didn't hurt -- the bleeding wound under the hat -- because I'm a real man, and real men don't feel pain. When I touch it now, it feels rock solid -- like a giant booger. Maybe that's why I can't stop picking at it? My desire is to grab it, and start peeling it off, but that would just make it bleed again, and I don't think it's worth the trouble. Plus, I'm wearing my favorite hoodie -- my Green Bay Packer hoodie. It's green with the team logo on it, and the words "Property of..." over it. I think in a not so subtle way, my own hoodie is calling me a whore, but I don't mind, because if it is, it's true. I have a Green Bay Packer lunchbox -- you can't get more whorish than that.

I'm thinking about making ABNB! not just about Guy Movies, but also about other things that are certifiably Guy, without committing to any one thing. I think a lack of commitment to any one thing, but rather a general focus on lots of things, is itself a completely Guy way of doing things, therefore making this a more honest and relatable blog. So, yeah, maybe I'll do that. Not like it matters what else I write -- if I want readers, I'll just profile another hot woman, slap up some pictures, and watch that hit ticker rack up the big numbers.

I didn't realize "relatable" isn't a real word. Is it relatible? Relateable? Relatuble? Weird. I use that word all the time, and it doesn't exist.

But if it doesn't exist, how can I use it? I'm confused.

I think I may have just opened a grammatical wormhole paradox that will destroy the universe as we know it over the coarse of the next hundred thousand years. Better start enjoying the years we have left!

Keep your balls clean.

Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed, Shannon Tweed -- and the hits keep on comin', baby!

ABNB! Top 10 Ex-Football Players Turned Actors

2008-02-03T01:51:00.000-08:00

The Superbowl is right around the corner, and to honor it, I’ve decided to cook up a little list paying homage to the 10 greatest ex-football players turn actors. In order to have made the list, they had to have played professional football on some level--be it the NFL, CFL, NFL Europe, etc. Arena Football doesn’t count, because it’s not real football, I don’t care what you say. Oh, and you can’t have killed someone…or two. Sorry OJ, thems the rules.

While doing research for this list, I was amazed at just how many former pro-football players have tried their hand at acting--and even more surprised at just how good a lot of them are. When I set out to do this list, I had no idea it would turn out to be as difficult as it was. Just to show you how tough it was, here’s a short list of the guys that didn’t make the cut, and the reasons why:

Mike Ditka -- One movie under his belt. While very funny, not enough to warrant a spot on the list.
Terry Bradshaw -- See Mike Ditka.
Michael Irvin -- See Mike Ditka.
Bill Romanowski -- See Mike Ditka.
Brett Favre -- See Mike Ditka.
Alex Karras -- Moderate success on television, but no big screen success.
Bill Goldberg -- Could have placed on the list near the bottom, but I chose to go with guys I believe have contributed more to film via memorable movies and performances. This is completely subjective.
Fred Dryer -- A significant acting career, could have easily made the list, but again, most of his work was done on the small screen, therefore, I chose to bump him. Yet another completely subjective selection.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson -- Never played in the NFL, but did manage two months on a CFL team before being cut. While my criteria was that each man listed have some kind of pro-football career, I didn’t want to take the easy way out and list Rock in the top spot…because if he were going to be on this list, that’s exactly where he’d be, based on the strength of his film career.

As you read you'll notice many of these guys are ex-Raiders, and that many of them appeared in Adam Sandler's THE LONGEST YARD remake. Pretty crazy. Now let's quit mucking about and get to it! Enjoy...

The 11th Man: Lyle Alzado Pro-Football Career: 15 seasons in the NFL Teams Played For: Denver Broncos, Cleveland Browns, Los Angeles Raiders
I might catch flack for leaving the late Mr. Alzado off the list, but note that it’s not a slight--it’s just a really tough crop to choose from! Looking over his career as both a football player and an actor, I can’t help but think of the great things he could have done on the big and small screens had he not died so young. I used to watch his sitcom “Learning the Ropes” as a lad, was thrilled by his evil shenanigans in DESTROYER via USA’s “Up All Night,” and hated his guts as I rooted for Ernest P. Worrell to kick his butt in ERNEST GOES TO CAMP. Most will remember him, however, not as an actor or a football player, but as an avid spokesman against the use of steroids. The brain cancer he suffered--and ultimately died--from was a result of using steroids throughout his football career, and he wanted desperately for everyone to know--especially children--that the consequences just weren’t worth it. Every time I see a clip of him in his rail-thin bandana wearing last days, it brings me to tears, because he really seemed like a good man with a kind soul. God bless you, Lyle.

10. Bubba Smith Pro-Football Career: 9 seasons in the NFL Teams Played For: Baltimore Colts, Oakland Raiders, Houston Oilers
What can you say about Bubba that would come anywhere near close to doing him justice? Best known to moviegoers everywhere as Moses Hightower, the soft-spoken blue-clad giant from the POLICE ACADEMY series, many might recognize Steve Guttenberg as the star of the franchise, but I don’t think anyone could argue that the supporting cast was the soul, of which Bubba anchored with authority. He’s since gone on to star and cameo in B-movies here and there, so keep your eyes peeled!

9. Don Gibb Pro-Football Career: 1 season in the NFL (this may be inaccurate) Teams Played For: San Diego Chargers
You may not know Don Gibb as Don Gibb, but you’ll surely know him as Ogre, the Alpha Beta bully who tormented the nerds of Lambda Lambda Lambda! Guy Movie nuts will also know him as Ray Jackson, Jean Claude’s butt-kicking American buddy at the Kumate in BLOODSPORT. Don’s face, size, and wild hair are unmistakable, and his persona is one of a big huggable teddy bear--with a bite. Don’s acting gigs have mostly consisted of bit parts in movies and TV shows since his days as Ogre, so while you’re flipping keep an eye out. You never know where he might pop up.

8. Lawrence Taylor Pro-Football Career: 12 seasons in the NFL Teams Played For: New York Giants
One of the most colorful figures to ever come out of football, or any sport for that matter, Lawrence Taylor has repeatedly proven that you cannot count him out. Without much of an acting resume under his belt, he managed to snag supporting roles in films like ANY GIVEN SUNDAY and SHAFT, and actually deliver the goods. He even proved he could be funny on HBO’s “1st and Ten.” The Original LT, however, always seems to be at his best when he’s playing himself, whether its with cameos in comedies like last years THE COMEBACKS or Adam Sandler’s THE WATERBOY, or taking to the squared circle to battle legendary wrestler Bam Bam Bigelow at Wrestlemania XI--the man has managed to do just about everything one can do, and he’s still got a lot of years left in him. Everything I’ve seen him in I’ve thoroughly enjoyed, so hears to LT doing us all a favor, and doing a few more things in front of the camera.

7. Fred Williamson Pro-Football Career: 7 seasons in the NFL Teams Played For: Pittsburgh Steelers, Oakland Raiders, Kansas City Chiefs
Richard Roundtree may have been the face that launched Blaxploitation cinema in the early 70’s, but few carried the genre better than Fred “Hammer” Williamson. Oh, the endless amount of joy this man has brought me over the years is something to behold. Out of all the Blaxploitation leading men, Fred always seemed to be the best at addressing the issue of race, without alienating non-black audiences. Sure, much of the plot had to do with inequality, but the rest of it was just so much damn fun, you couldn’t help but ride along with a smile on yourself. It almost makes me sad that most kids today only recognize him as Frost, the big black biker badass in FROM DUSK TIL DAWN, because he’s seriously got a mountain of work under his belt! To prove the sheer brilliance this man possesses: He once starred in a Blaxploitation western called BOSS N**GER--of which he was the titular character--and get this … he also wrote the screenplay! This is one of the few films I’ve yet to see, but to read reviews and descriptions of it on the Internet, it definitely sounds like a must view to me! Way to go, Hammer--you make Richard Roundtree look like a pansy. (I still love ya, Shaft, just in case you ever read this … or someone you know reads this and relates it back to you. I’m just sayin’.)

6. Terry Crews Pro-Football Career: 6 seasons in the NFL Teams Played For: Los Angeles Rams, Green Bay Packers, San Diego Chargers, Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins
You may not know his name, but if you’ve been paying attention to TV and cinema lately, you’ve no doubt seen his face. Terry Crews is big, intimidating, and gifted with an incredible sense of humor. He could easily take the easy road of being a B-movie action star (like many on this list), but instead he’s flexing more than just physical muscle, he’s flexing his acting muscles, not to mention flexing his funny bone every chance he gets. Whether he’s putting a boot to fools as T-Money on “Battle Dome,” lusting after a Wayans brother in drag in WHITE CHICKS, or burning the candle at both ends to raise his family in “Everybody Hates Chris,” Terry is proving he’s more than just another meathead ex-jock--he’s the real deal. And when all is said and done, I don’t doubt that he’ll be at the tops of many future lists just like this. All hail President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho!

5. Brian Bosworth Pro-Football Career: 3 seasons in the NFL Teams Played For: Seattle Seahawks
The Boz has always been a showman, and a show off. His NFL career is remembered more for his bleached Mohawk hairdo and big mouth, than any of his on-field exploits. While his career on the gridiron was short lived, the idea of an acting career began to spring forward, largely off the strength of his very popular commercials as the face of Right Guard Deodorant. His first foray into film was as Joe Huff, a detective who goes undercover to infiltrate a villainous biker gang in STONE COLD--a certified Guy Movie classic! He’s since gone on to star in other B-movie action flicks, including a cameo as an evil prison guard in Adam Sandler’s remake of THE LONGEST YARD.

4. Jim Brown Pro-Football Career: 8 seasons in the NFL Teams Played For: Cleveland Browns
One of the greatest running backs of all time, Jim Brown first gained attention as a real actor in one of the greatest Guy war movies of all time, THE DIRTY DOZEN--a film he chose to finish filming at the sacrifice of his football career. He would later carve out his own corner in Blaxploitation cinema as the stoic, no nonsense SLAUGHTER. Slaughter was never as cool as Shaft, or Hammer, but he wasn’t supposed to be. The driving purpose of the Slaughter character was to provide the genre with a hard-nosed badass, and it is at that that Mr. Brown more than succeeded. Jim would go on to guest star on television, and join forces with Fred “Hammer” Williamson (8 on the list) to revitalize the Blaxploitation genre with ORIGINAL GANGSTAS. My personal favorite Jim Brown movie is Tim Burton’s MARS ATTACKS, where he plays Byron, an ex-boxer turn Casino security guard. His exchange with Jack Nicholson in the limo always makes me laugh. Byron: “I found Allah, I don’t eat pork, and I’m a better man. I faced that demon, and I don’t want him coming on again.” Art: “You gave up pork.” Priceless.

3. Frank McRae Pro-Football Career: 1 season in the NFL (this may be inaccurate) Teams Played For: Chicago Bears
You might not know his name, but you’ll definitely know his face if you’ve been paying attention to Guy Movies for the last thirty years. He burst onto the seen as Reed Youngblood in DILLINGER, and quickly parlayed the success of that role into many others. A man of literal mammoth proportions, Frank has made sure to show he’s more than just a brute giving note worthy performances as family comedies like *BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED and VACATION. He’s also the prototypical angry police captain, creating it in the Guy Movie classic 48 HRS, and mocking it in another great Guy Movie, THE LAST ACTION HERO. Of everything I’ve seen this guy in, he’s never turned in a bad performance. My favorite performance by him has to be as Jim the foul-mouthed mechanic from USED CARS.

2. John Matuszak Pro-Football Career: 9 seasons in the NFL Teams Played For: Houston Oilers, Kansas City Chiefs, Oakland Raiders
The Tooz was the man. Even though he landed at number two on this list, he’s easily my favorite overall. He lived his life at full throttle, just like he played the game, and pursued acting. He made me laugh so hard I nearly crapped my Pampers in CAVEMAN, instilled a desire to have curly hair, a grizzly beard, and play football in NORTH DALLAS FORTY, and caught the attention and captured the hearts of an entire generation as Sloth, the big mutant Fratelli brother from THE GOONIES. Only the Lord knows what kind of career he would have had had he been allowed to live a little longer--more than likely he would have become some sort of B-movie action star, or continue to make goofy cameos in A-list and B-list flicks. Either way, it sure as hell would have been a lot of fun to watch him work and grow as an actor.

1. Carl Weathers Pro-Football Career: 1 season in the NFL, 2 seasons in the CFL Teams Played For: Oakland Raiders, British Columbia Lions
Carl Weathers is simply, the man. Having racked up high profile roles opposite the two biggest action movie stars of all time, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, and starring in one of the best Guy Movies of the late 80’s, his selection as the greatest ex-football pro turn actor was a veritable no brainer. Carl first took on Sly’s Rocky Balboa as the loudmouthed Apollo Creed. Not only did he have the absolute coolest name ever…he looked like he was chiseled out of stone, and had the uncanny ability to flap his gums at 100 miles per hour without fumbling a single word. Apollo’s death in ROCKY IV at the hands of Ivan Drago was and is the most heartbreaking moment for me in the entire series. Carl then took on Arnie as the no-nonsense CIA agent Dillon in PREDATOR. Carl was the perfect foil for Arnold, because he could match him for strength and size. After his many cinematic success, Carl eventually earned the right to star in his own action movie, ACTION JACKSON, where he played inner city police detective Jericho Jackson. The premise of his own Guy Movie was that he, Jericho, was locked in a battle of brains and brawn with Craig T. Nelson’s evil automotive icon, Peter Dellaplane. The movie boasts all sorts of great Guy Movie moments, from a young Sharon Stone, to some quality Vanity nudiness, lots of colorful henchman, and loads of catchy one-liners. Carl had a resurgence many years later as the one-handed ex-golf pro, Chubbs in Adam Sandler’s HAPPY GILMORE, but he since become more of a supporting actor in small films and TV shows. He was last seen briefly in a series of Old Spice ads as the corporate figure head of the company.

Shoot 'Em Up (2007) Film Review

2008-01-31T14:44:00.000-08:00

It’s a good year to be a Guy Movie fan. It all started last year, when SNAKES ON A PLANE and CRANK finally brought all of their internet hype to the big screen, and showed that Hollywood still has it in itself to get a little (or a lot) stupid for the sake of a fun thrill ride. This year alone has produced two standout Guy Movies: 300 and GRINDHOUSE; and now, SHOOT ‘EM UP has blasted its way onto the big screen, and into my heart like no other film before it.

Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino thought they had “The Most Outrageous Guy Movie of 2007 Award” sown up with their sleazy double-feature–but that was before Michael Davis stepped up to bat, and proceeded to hit a grand slam not just out of the park–try out of the city; out of the county; out of the state even!

When you hear SHOOT described as a nonstop action extravaganza from start to finish, they’re telling you the truth! There is no false advertising here. Check your brain cells at the door, and prepare yourself for an hour and twenty some-odd minutes of live action cartoon violence Chuck Jones would be proud of.

So what exactly makes SHOOT a great Guy Movie? I'm glad you asked, here's the skinny: Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti are terrific as the opposing forces creating this hurricane of violence. Clive is the embodiment of that stoic loner badass with rugged good looks all us average schmoes secretly wish we were at certain points in our loves. Paul has his acting amplifier cranked up to 11 as Hertz, a psychotic lunatic mercenary type who will stop at nothing to finish his mission, with as much humor and panache as is humanly possible that is. And then there's Monica Bellucci as the hot-as-balls Donna Quintano, a high class hooker whose specialty is filling a particular niche that, at first glance is downright absurd, but then again ... it is Monica Bellucci, so how bad could it be? The acting is great, the dialog is stilted and cartoonish in all the right ways, the action sequences are mind blowingly awesome and original, and if the hard rock soundtrack doesn't get your adrenaline pumping, check your pulse because you my friend, are a corpse.

"Let's play a game, first I'll shoot you in the face, and then you shoot me in the face, and the first one to hit the floor loses ... whaddya say?"

The film is funny, exciting, and worth every penny you can throw at it. I can't recommend this movie enough. Go see it, rent it, buy it, DVR it ... whatever it takes, check it out!

ABNB! Rating: 5 out of 5 (It's a BANG BANG of a good time! An instant classic.)
For More Info: IMDb / Rotten Tomatoes / Wikipedia / Official Site

Balls of Fury (2007) Film Review

2008-01-31T03:31:00.000-08:00

I grew up playing ping-pong whenever possible, so I had a genuine interest in seeing this flick. I’m also a fan of Christopher Walken, James Hong, Maggie Q, Terry Crews, Robert Patrick, and Thomas Lennon, so that didn’t hurt either. Unfortunately, even with a stacked cast and an interesting plot device, BALLS OF FURY is anything but what its title implies. It’s a dismal, unfunny, lame attempt at a DODGEBALL sequel without any of the commitment or hang-ups–like writing the checks it would take to get Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller back in the mix.

BALLS is directed and co-written by Ben Garant (with Thomas Lennon). Fans of “Reno 911” and “The State” will recognize those names. I’m no fan of “Reno” but “The State” still resonates with me to this day as some of the funniest sketch comedy I’ve ever seen. Knowing their potential, it just makes me shake my head at how incredibly tame and unimaginative the humor is here. I mean, is this really all they could come up with? Are they saving all their best stuff for the DVD? Did the studio meddle and test screen this flick until all the backbone and originality evaporated? There has to be an explanation.

"This movie stinks ... like stale French fries."

Then again, maybe the kids have just outgrown their funny bones? Either way, BALLS OF FURY is nigh unwatchable, and is destined for many a Top 10 Worst Films of 2007 list. I’ve already got it penciled into mine.

ABNB! Rating: 2 out of 5 (An unfortunate mess. Wasted potential all around.)
For More Info: IMDb / Rotten Tomatoes / Wikipedia / Official Site

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007) Film Review

2008-01-30T11:43:00.000-08:00

I’m not going to waste a lot of time writing a review for IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE, because quite frankly, I just don’t have the energy. Uwe Boll suckered me into the theater to watch this stinker, because he produced a kick ass trailer for his movie, and wisely kept his name thirty miles away from it. Normally I’ll check out a movie’s details online beforehand, but for whatever reason I didn’t for this one. To his credit, Uwe also skipped the usual opening credit procedure for the film, instead just giving us the title and jumping into the movie.

For two hours I sat there wondering, “How in the hell did a movie this awful ever manage to get made, or nab such a rich cast?” When it was all said and done, and the mundane exploits of Farmer (Jason Statham) and his army of Ebb was over, the truth finally came through and kicked me in the nuts with a steel-toe boot…”A Film by Uwe Boll.” That credit said it all, and thus began my twenty-four hour personal hate cycle.

If I was forced to explain the plot of this train wreck, here is what you’d get: Jason Statham is Farmer, a Farmer (how novel). He has a wife (Claire Forlani) and a young boy. One day Farmer is minding his own business when a group of rubbery orc type creatures, looking like they just ran off the set of the latest TOXIC AVENGER movie, attack him and his family. Farmer fights them off with relative ease, but his family ain’t so lucky. His wife is captured, and his son--well, I don’t want to spoil it for you. Let’s just say that because of what happens to his son, the manner in which his parents carry themselves throughout the rest of the movie makes absolutely no sense.

There are tree hugging, vine swinging lesbians, there are magician battles, there are ninja warriors, and there’s horribly miscast roles all throughout the film. I’m declaring a new law of cinema right now: Burt Reynolds should never ever be cast as any kind of king, and Ray Liotta needs to stick to roles that play of his quiet rage and subdued nature, and not call for him to “ham it up” as he does here, because he’s terrible at it. Jason Statham excels when he’s swinging a sword, but sucks at everything else. He whispers all of his lines as if he caught a bad case of laryngitis before filming, and again his reaction to what happens his kid will leave any parent scratching their head. The rest of the cast doesn’t fare much better: Ron Perlman is collecting a paycheck; Leelee Sobieski is still busy killing her own career; what Jonathon Rhys-Davies lost in weight, he’s more than made up for in crazy; Matthew Lillard is possibly the only bright spot, because he’s so awful it’s obvious he knows he’s in a crappy film--or at least I’d like to think that.

IN THE NAME OF THE KING is the sort of movie I imagine is playing on the big screens of Hell for all of eternity. It’s the sort of movie you’d make your kids watch as punishment for breaking a window, or scratching a car. Not the whole movie, though--fifteen minutes would do the trick. It’s the sort of movie you would only choose watch, because you’re determined to commit suicide, but need a little extra motivation to actually go through with it.

Uwe Boll is worse than a hack filmmaker; he’s an “auteur” who seems to actually hate his audiences. He has no concept of storytelling. His films look like they were made by a group of mentally handicapped four-year-olds. I weep for those who’ve unwittingly subjected themselves to this, or any of his films. So far, I’ve done it twice. I’ll never do it again.

ABNB! Rating: 0 out of 5 (No colorful euphemism could ever properly convey just how much I hate this movie.)
For More Info: IMDb / Rotten Tomatoes / Wikipedia / Official Site

There Will Be Blood (2007) Film Review

2008-01-30T01:27:00.000-08:00

After having seen THERE WILL BE BLOOD, I can't really tell you what it's about. I mean, I can sit here and presume to know what it was about, but I can't be sure. I think it had something to do with the main character's unquenchable thirst for success over his enemies, no matter the cost, but I'm probably wrong.

What I do know about the movie is that it's chock full of brilliant set pieces, landscapes, cinematography, and acting. There were moments scattered throughout the flick that were so breathtaking to watch, they gave me goosebumps. Scenes like the opener, where we see Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis) mining away in the middle of nowhere for gold. The entire scene is completely scoreless--it's just him, us, and the mine. The moments that followed set the tone for the rest of the movie, which means it's pretty clear within the first five minutes whether you're the sort of person that'll be along for the ride, or ready to hope off. If you're apart of the latter don't feel bad as I'd imagine you're in the majority. The entire style in which director Paul Thomas Anderson takes in making this movie is one only critics and film buffs seem to appreciate. There's little narrative, more slice of life, and tons of quiet--almost subliminal--character development. If that doesn't sound like your sort of show, I beg you to do yourself a favor and find something else to occupy your hours. I won't think any less of you, promise.

The story is as follows: Plainview hits it rich after successfully harvesting a goldmine, at the near expense of his life. Using his newfound riches, he starts an oil mining company. Along the way he adopts the child of one of his men after he is killed in a horrific mining accident, raising it as his own. We then follow him to a small town called Little Boston, where he takes the town under his wing, modernizes it as best a turn of the century old west town could be modernized, and ultimately feuds with that towns Jimmy Swaggart in training, Eli (Paul Dano). We catch glimpses into what makes Plainview the man he is--from his sincere, no nonsense "If I say I'm an oilman..." pitches, to his ability to genuinely love someone, yet cut them loose if they get in the way of his work. He's a lonely, enigmatic man whose sole purpose in life is to win, period.

Anderson really seems to be strutting his filmmaking tail feathers here, picking a book that he can adapt to screen, strictly so he can set up interesting shots and set pieces. The intricate detail that went into creating the growing town of Little Boston, and the oil wells that would spring up around it is nothing short of amazing. I believe this is probably why a regular schmo like I had such a difficult time following the story--Anderson purposefully overlooked portions of the story in favor of the visuals. And while Anderson was off building life size old school oil dereks that he could set on fire, Day-Lewis was allowed to stretch his legs and really dig deep under the skin of his character. It's as if the people running the asylum went nuts, and started creating this fascinating piece of organized chaos.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD is most definitely a guy movie, though it won't be for every guy. The film appeals to the much smaller group of patient guy movie lovers--of which there are not many. In the end, it's all about one man's war against the world; the endless competition within himself to never let anyone else beat him. It's about the dangers of having so much raw inner strength, will, and conviction, it corrupts the soul, and prevents you from taking joy in anything. This was a solid, solid movie.

"My son, H.W. and I are here for one thing, and one thing only...
...to drink your milkshake. TO DRINK IT UP!"

ABNB! Rating: 4 out of 5 (I loved it, but you might not. If you've got the patience, and are willing to think, more power to you, my brother.)
For More Info: IMDb / Rotten Tomatoes / Wikipedia / Official Site

Fun FAQ-toid: Why are Paul and Eli Sunday played by the same actor?
Paul Dano was originally casted as Paul Sunday only and when the original actor playing Eli Sunday left, Dano was cast. At that point, it was too late to re-shoot the scene with Paul Sunday so the film plays out that Paul is Eli's identical twin. Paul Dano stated to an NPR interviewer that he had less than a week to prepare for the role of Eli.

idrinkyourmilkshake.com

D-Wars (2007) Film Review

2008-01-27T12:20:00.000-08:00

If you've found yourself loafing around lately, wondering what ever happened to JACKIE BROWN's bail bondsman Max Cherry, or main alien Max from Fox's "Roswell," allow me to shift your attention to a little film called DRAGON WARS. Oh wait, I'm sorry, that's not hip enough for today's audiences--I meant D-WAR. Yeeeeah, that's better.

Max Cherry is Robert Forster, and Robert Forster is Jack, a wise old junk dealer with a nasty gash on his arm, a penchant for robe wearing, and a rather unhealthy interest in the fates of Ethan (Jason Behr) and Sarah (Amanda Brooks). Ethan is a television news reporter who looks like he spent so many hours practicing Blue Steel his face froze that way, as well as looking like he just fell out of a time machine from the 70's. Sarah is...well...this chick who is important because she was born with a gnarly little red dragon tattoo on her shoulder. Other than that, she has no skills, no brains, and is generally unlikeable.

And that's the problem with D-WAR--the characters are one-note cardboard cutouts, unrecognizable as real people, and just generally miserable to watch. Well, that's at least one of the problems. The biggest problem with this flick is the fact that there's no dragons in it, despite what the title suggests. With the title and the previews, we're presented a movie that while obviously cheesy, boasts a plethora of dragon-on-dragon crime that's sure to make our little hearts flutter with joy. But instead all we get is one big ugly poorly rendered CGI snake. Oh, the big ugly poorly rendered CGI snake has little ugly poorly rendered friends, like mini-dragoids and slow slugephant type thingies, but nothing remotely resembling any dragon I've ever seen.

ACK! A giant f'n snake ... in a dragon movie! I must be tripping balls, man.

Some of the shots of the big ugly poorly rendered CGI snake ripping up LA while chasing after our "heroes" are cool--the shot of it tearing through a parking garage is pretty stinking cool to look at, as an example--but we're never treated to the harsh realities of this snake's actions. We see cars flying, we see buildings crumble, we see debris fly everywhere, but we never see the snake actually kill people. The only time we see the snake sink its teeth into someone, it's a grab-bite-drop sorta deal. The big ugly poorly rendered CGI snake couldn't even eat the stinking person!

Continuity is any film's best friend, but don't tell that to writer/director Hyung-rae Shim. Apparently he finds it acceptable to have your regular LA citizens be care freely sipping lattes in coffee houses just hours after the city was attacked by deadly giant snake. I mean c'mon! Wouldn't the city be in an uproar after something like that? Do you really think folks would be in their right mind enough to put the pandemonium on pause long enough to get their caffeine fix? I sure don't.

Another issue with continuity is glaring in the earlier stages of the film when there appears to be some genuine attempts at slapstick or cheesy humor. Choices of acting styles, phrases of dialog, and a well timed scream by a big black man who just caught a stiff back hand all spring to mind as examples of a film fighting an identity crisis. Either D-WAR was supposed to be a serious tale based on an ancient Korean bedtime story, or it was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek CGI fest aimed at children, but fun enough for their parents, too. Unfortunately for all, because it never commits to one, it winds up being neither.

"You do realize starring in this movie is career suicide, right?"
"At least I don't look like Mr. T's little,
less talented brother, brother."
"Y'know what, if I wasn't already winded, I'd put this camera right up yo..."

I don't mean to come off as harsh as I do in this review. I'm sure Hyung-rae Shim is a wonderfully talented director in his native Korea. Maybe it's the cultural differences, maybe it's my bad (as in bad) movie well overflowing, maybe it's my time of the month, or maybe it's my desire to see good CGI driven films, not bad CGI driven films that look like the CGI in question is about a month away from being finished. Either way, I still don't like this movie.

ABNB! Rating: 1.5 out of 5 (I watched it so you don't have to, so don't let my sacrifice be in vein.)
For More Info: IMDb / Rotten Tomatoes / Wikipedia / Official Site

Hey, check out this nifty
movie poster made just for the US!
Wow, that's not misleading at all!

Cloverfield (2008) Film Review

2008-01-27T04:36:00.000-08:00

When I first saw the trailer for CLOVERFIELD right before TRANSFORMERS last summer, I didn’t know what to make of it. From what I could gather from the rather cryptic untitled preview was it was about a group of young people (about my age) who happened to be more successful than I, having more fun than I, and about to be thrust into a catastrophic situation unlike anything I had ever, or would ever see. One other thing I noticed: The entire trailer was filmed from the point of view of a personal video camera. Not a new idea, but boy, when that huge explosions hits New York, and I saw the big green dome of Miss Liberty crashing down into the streets of NYC, I couldn’t help but think, “Man, whatever this is, it’s gonna be so rad!”

Whelp, the time has come, and CLOVERFIELD has officially been named and unleashed upon the masses. So what do I have to say after having seen it? Man, whatever that was, it was so friggin rad!

Here’s a spoiler free rundown of the plot basics: Rob (Michael Stahl-David) is receiving a going away surprise party by his friends. During the party we meet his best friend Hud (T.J. Miller) the cameraman, Jason (Mike Vogel) Rob’s brother, Lily (Jessica Lucas) Jason’s girlfriend, and Marlena (Lizzy Caplan) the plain Jane girl mush-mouthed Hud has a crush on. The group is enjoying their seemingly innocuous party when a sudden rumble shakes the building. A rush to the roof reveals a mighty explosion in midtown Manhattan. Before we know it, the kids are on the street watching Miss Liberty’s head cascade through downtown New York to a worried and confused throng of citizens, all with cellphone cameras at the ready. It’s at this point in the film that every preconceived notion one might have about this film is flushed down the crapper. The twists and turns this film takes are shocking, frightening, and thrilling in every way. The first person perspective, while awkward at first, really helps suck the audience into the story with the cast, allowing us to feel the same rush of adrenaline and fear they do, when they do. At times I could feel myself wanting to move back and watch the action at a safe distance, but because of the style chosen for the film, that just isn’t possible.

The effects in the film are amazing. I found myself wondering how the hell they managed to pull a lot of this stuff off. Whether it be the exchanges between the creature in the film and the US military, the close-up shots of the creature itself, or even the simplest of camera movement, I cannot even begin to imagine the headache the filmmakers must have had trying to light, mark, and capture audio for some of the scenes.

Caution to those going into this film expecting a story that’s going to answer everything that’s presented. While yes, this is a creature feature, no, there is never an explanation given as to where or how this creature came to be in New York City. This is merely a fly-on-the-wall story, where we get to share a slice of these kids lives on their most horrific day imaginable.

While there isn’t any nakedness going on in the film, CLOVERFIELD definitely offers up enough bullet spitting, monster mashing, and quirky one-liners to qualify as a Guy Movie. Expect to identify heavily with Hud, as he manages to say exactly the wrong thing at all of the right times. If you ever wanted to know how you’d react in a situation like his, just watch and listen and you’ll get a pretty good idea.

CLOVERFIELD is highly recommended viewing for any Guy Movie lover. Just make sure anyone you take doesn’t get queasy easy, otherwise you might want to pack a couple vomit bags just in case.

ABNB! Rating: 5 out of 5 (Absolute Must See!)
For More Info: IMDb / Rotten Tomatoes / Wikipedia / Official Site

ABNB! BotW -- Shannon Tweed

2008-01-27T03:09:00.000-08:00

You might not know it by looking at her today, but before Shannon Tweed went and got herself all domesticated and motherly, she was busy titillating a generation of young men just as they began to venture into that innocent time of--self discovery. If you’re in your late 20’s to early 30’s, and were fortunate enough to have a TV in your bedroom with a decent cable box equipped with channels like Showtime and Cinemax you should know exactly what I’m talking about.

Mrs. Tweed first caught attention as Miss November 1981 in the pages of Playboy. I was little more than a Pamper Crapper at the time, but it was obvious to men worldwide that this lady wasn’t just another bunny who’d be here this month, and gone the next. She possessed that important “All American Girl Next Door” quality that most men find irresistible. That’s sort of funny considering she’s Canadian, but I digress. It wasn’t long before Hollywood realized that Shannon had that extra something special, and started putting her on TV. She bummed around shows like “Falcon Crest” and “Fantasy Island” for a while, cutting her teeth on primetime fare, before landing the role that would melt hearts and pitch tents from coast to coast as Sylvia Fonda in 1984’s HOT DOG…THE MOVIE!

Not only was HOT DOG…THE MOVIE one of the first movies to truly capitalize on the awesomeness of the ellipse, it was also the first major motion picture to capitalize on Shannon Tweed’s greatest assets, as well as introduce everyone to what would eventually become the woman’s cinematic signature movie: Simulated Cowgirl! Unfortunately, Shannon would go another seven years before tapping into her undressed potential, attempting to carve out a legitimate acting career--including a single episode stint on “Highway to Heaven.”

1991 saw the death of Shannon’s dreams of becoming an A-List actress, and the birth of her new career as the Queen of Late Night Pay Cable! Her first foray into the steamy genre of Skinemax Erotica was LAST CALL, a real thriller about love, revenge, embezzlement, and lots of hard nasty sex in awkward places. I’m talking elevators, stairwells, rooftops--you name it, it’s probably in there. What made LAST CALL even more fun was that Shannon got to sex it up with everyone’s favorite “Greatest American Hero” William Katt! Talk about your career nosedives. Guess that movie about a baby Brontosaurus wasn’t such a good idea after all, eh Billy? Funny thing though, William Katt wouldn’t be the only former male TV star to earn a paycheck knocking boots with Tweed in the 90’s. Former studs like James Brolin, Jan-Michael Vincent, and Marc Singer would all have their turn--Marc even got to do it twice!

Through the first two thirds of the 90’s Shannon was pumping out a good one-to-two softcore skin flicks a year, most having to do with therapy and stripping, or journalism and stripping, or revenge seeking…and stripping. There wasn’t a lot of originality to these movies by way of plot, either. Most of the time Shannon was just pretending to be one of those mythical empowered and independent women, with a studious profession and a penchant for hot nasty sex on white sheets and some kind of funky lamp that gave everything a velvet/aqua/rose colored tint. These films weren’t masterpieces by any stretch, but they provided growing boys exactly what they were looking for: Lots of sexual content starring Shannon Tweed.

As the decade began to wind down, so did Tweed’s needs for wacky sexual exploits. She began trading on her softcore fame for supporting roles in made-for-TV action movies starring has-beens and professional wrestlers (see: ASSAULT ON DEVIL’S ISLAND, and ASSAULT ON DEATH MOUNTAIN). As she entered the new millennium, Shannon managed to squeeze a couple more skin flicks out before finally retiring her assets for supporting roles on failing sitcoms like “Run of the House” and “The Parkers.”

Now everyone can see Shannon as a mother of two, and common-law wife of legendary rock god Gene Simmons of KISS on Gene’s reality show, “Family Jewels.” The woman’s come a long way in her twenty plus years in the limelight, and she single-handily managed to shape a generation of young men’s ideas and notions of what a great sex life should be. I guess it’s safe to say Shannon is probably the single most exciting, and yet detrimental figure in my life in that regard.

Thank you Shannon, for giving us guys endless amounts of entertainment, while setting the bar impossibly high for our future wives and girlfriends.

My Top 5 Favorite Shannon Tweed Movies (and why):

5. Electra (1996) -- Easily one of the weirdest softcore skin flicks I’ve ever had the pleasure of watching, the story revolves around Shannon Tweed and her lusting after he skinny little stepson, Billy. One fact of note here: Shannon Tweed actually plays a bad guy in this film…something she rarely did. It might sound a little sick, but if Shannon Tweed were my step mom, I’d let her do whatever she wanted. I’m just saying.

4. Hot Dog…the Movie (1984) -- It’s the first on-screen appearance of Shannon’s Tweeds, so it’s a shoe-in for my top five. Besides that, she’s just so fresh-faced and cute, I never get tired of seeing the best parts of this flick over and over. Now, trying to tie me down long enough to watch the whole thing…fat chance, bucko!

3. Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (1989) -- No real nudity to speak of; it’s just a silly-ass movie starring Shannon Tweed, Adrienne Barbeau, Karen Mistal, and a younger less obnoxious (but still really obnoxious) Bill Maher. To call it an indictment on the feminist movement would be giving it too much credit. It’s simply a chucklefest from start to finish. Someone should suggest this to the guys over at Rifftrax.com!

2. Scorned (1994) -- Here’s another movie where The Tweed plays the antagonist, only this time she’s out for revenge! Her three-step plan is nothing short of brilliant: Get in good with the family; seduce and sleep with everybody; start killing them off one by one. It’s a movie the whole family can enjoy! She is probably her best film with regular 90’s on-screen partner, Andrew Stevens (who also directed).

1. Night Fire (1994) -- This movie was one of my first experiences with the whole Skinemax subculture of film. Not only did it offer a bounty of hot Tweedness, it also managed to introduce me to another late night pay cable siren whom I’d come to love, Rochelle Swanson! It’s pretty much a battle for supremacy between the ultimate late night blonde, and ultimate late night brunette. And the two of them pretty much do everything but mud wrestle!

Some fun facts about Shannon Tweed:
Playboy Playmate of the Month November 1981.
Playboy Playmate of the Year 1982.
Older sister of Tracy Tweed.
Has two children with Gene Simmons: a son, Nick Simmons(b. 1989), and a daughter, Sophie Simmons(b. 1992).
Represented the Ottawa Valley in the 1978 Miss Canada Pageant, placing fourth.
Is the third of seven children. She has 3 brothers and 3 sisters.
Her appearance in Playboy was arranged by a Canadian TV series entitled "Thrill of a Lifetime" (1981) which fulfilled real-life fantasies of ordinary Canadians.
Measurements: 34A/B-24-35 (at age 18-self-described), 36B/C-25-36 (as Playmate & actress), (Source: Celebrity Sleuth magazine)

For more info on Shannon Tweed you can visit: IMDb / Wikipedia / Playboy.com

ABNB! Spotlights Short Films & Trailers

2008-01-27T01:08:00.000-08:00

I'm a huge fan of short films and trailers, so I've taken it upon myself to spotlight those that best represent this blog and its purpose here. Below you'll find links to posts either containing the short film or trailer itself (right inside the post), or a link to another site which features said film and/or trailer. Suggestions for future spotlights welcome, so drop a comment.

Short Films

Trailers

ABNB! Interviews

2008-01-27T01:06:00.000-08:00

This section will house an organized listing of all the different interviews I hope to do for this blog. I currently don't have any lined up, nor know how I will get them, but I do plan on getting them, so let's keep our fingers crossed about that, shall we?

Features, Articles, Profiles & Rants

2008-01-27T01:02:00.000-08:00

This here is your one stop clickin' shop for all the writings on this site that aren't reviews. I've conveniently categorized everything for easy perusal. So, go ahead and start clicking, and enjoy! - Junior Bruce

Top 10 Lists | Stud of the Month
Babe of the Month | Articles | Rants

Top 10 Lists
Ex-Football Players Turned Actors - Feb. 3, 2008

Stud of the Month

Babe of the Month
Shannon Tweed - January 2008

Articles

Rants

ABNB! Stud of the Month Index

2008-01-27T00:56:00.000-08:00

2008 Studs of the Month

January: Sylvester Stallone
February:
March:
April:
May:
June:
July:
August:
September:
October:
November:
December:

ABNB! Babe of the Week Index

2008-01-27T00:47:00.000-08:00

February 2008
Week 4:
Week 3:
Week 2:
Week 1:

January 2008
Week 4: Shannon Tweed
Week 3: N/A
Week 2: N/A
Week 1: N/A

ABNB! To Do List

2008-01-27T00:45:00.000-08:00

This is just a list of all the Guy Movies I have yet to write a review/article for. As I write these up, I'll remove them from the list. This list is a work in progress...

Big Trouble in Little China
Kill Bill Vol. 1
Kill Bill Vol. 2
Pulp Fiction
Reservoir Dogs
Jackie Brown
Grind House:
Planet Terror
Death Proof
Tango & Cash
U-571
Crank
Shaun of the Dead
Blind Fury
Red Dawn
The Outsiders
The Karate Kid
The Karate Kid II
Rambo: First Blood
Rambo: First Blood Part II
Rambo III
Rambo
Rocky
Rocky II
Rocky III
Rocky IV
Rocky V
Rocky Balboa
Bubba Ho-tep
Monster Squad
Smokin' Aces
Diggstown
Iron Eagle
American Ninja
American Ninja II

ABNB! Review Index

2008-01-27T00:29:00.000-08:00

FILM REVIEW INDEX | DVD REVIEW INDEX

A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N
O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z | #

A

B
Balls of Fury (2007) 2 out of 5

C
Cloverfield (2008) 5 out of 5

D
D-War (2007) 1.5 out of 5

E

F
Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) 2.5 out of 5

G

H

I
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale (2007) 0 out of 5

J

K

L

M

N

O

P

Q

R

S
Shoot 'Em Up (2007) 5 out of 5

T
There Will Be Blood (2007) 4 out of 5

U

V

W

X

Y

Z

#

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N
O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z | #

A

B

C

D

E

F
Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (Standard Edition) 2 out of 5

G

H

I

J

K

L

M

N

O

P

Q

R

S

T

U

V

W

X

Y

Z

#

About ABNB!

2008-01-01T00:16:00.000-08:00

In the last few years I've started to notice something: The Guy Movie, a genre near and dear to my heart, no longer seems to get the love it once deserved. I'm talking about films chock full of mindless violence, big explosions, silly plots, colorful characters, catchy one-liners, and the kind of babes we normal Joe's could only dream of getting. Lately it just seems like these sorts of films no longer get the play or recognition they once deserved. Fewer and fewer are made, and worse yet, with this utter lack of respect and attention, what were once reputable guy movie fanatics are starting to become disillusioned. I hope to put a stop to that. Hello, I'm Junior Bruce, founder, owner, and operator of ABNB!--short for "All Balls No Brains!"

Here's what you can expect from ABNB! in the days, weeks, and hopefully months to come: The latest news surrounding upcoming Guy Movies, reviews of the latest Guy Movie releases, reviews of Guy Movie DVD releases, profiles of legendary Guy Movie stars and starlets, interviews with Guy Movie actors/actresses/writers/directors, articles about the genre, and so much more.

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