I’m not going to waste a lot of time writing a review for IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE, because quite frankly, I just don’t have the energy. Uwe Boll suckered me into the theater to watch this stinker, because he produced a kick ass trailer for his movie, and wisely kept his name thirty miles away from it. Normally I’ll check out a movie’s details online beforehand, but for whatever reason I didn’t for this one. To his credit, Uwe also skipped the usual opening credit procedure for the film, instead just giving us the title and jumping into the movie.
For two hours I sat there wondering, “How in the hell did a movie this awful ever manage to get made, or nab such a rich cast?” When it was all said and done, and the mundane exploits of Farmer (Jason Statham) and his army of Ebb was over, the truth finally came through and kicked me in the nuts with a steel-toe boot…”A Film by Uwe Boll.” That credit said it all, and thus began my twenty-four hour personal hate cycle.
If I was forced to explain the plot of this train wreck, here is what you’d get: Jason Statham is Farmer, a Farmer (how novel). He has a wife (Claire Forlani) and a young boy. One day Farmer is minding his own business when a group of rubbery orc type creatures, looking like they just ran off the set of the latest TOXIC AVENGER movie, attack him and his family. Farmer fights them off with relative ease, but his family ain’t so lucky. His wife is captured, and his son--well, I don’t want to spoil it for you. Let’s just say that because of what happens to his son, the manner in which his parents carry themselves throughout the rest of the movie makes absolutely no sense.
There are tree hugging, vine swinging lesbians, there are magician battles, there are ninja warriors, and there’s horribly miscast roles all throughout the film. I’m declaring a new law of cinema right now: Burt Reynolds should never ever be cast as any kind of king, and Ray Liotta needs to stick to roles that play of his quiet rage and subdued nature, and not call for him to “ham it up” as he does here, because he’s terrible at it. Jason Statham excels when he’s swinging a sword, but sucks at everything else. He whispers all of his lines as if he caught a bad case of laryngitis before filming, and again his reaction to what happens his kid will leave any parent scratching their head. The rest of the cast doesn’t fare much better: Ron Perlman is collecting a paycheck; Leelee Sobieski is still busy killing her own career; what Jonathon Rhys-Davies lost in weight, he’s more than made up for in crazy; Matthew Lillard is possibly the only bright spot, because he’s so awful it’s obvious he knows he’s in a crappy film--or at least I’d like to think that.
IN THE NAME OF THE KING is the sort of movie I imagine is playing on the big screens of Hell for all of eternity. It’s the sort of movie you’d make your kids watch as punishment for breaking a window, or scratching a car. Not the whole movie, though--fifteen minutes would do the trick. It’s the sort of movie you would only choose watch, because you’re determined to commit suicide, but need a little extra motivation to actually go through with it.
Uwe Boll is worse than a hack filmmaker; he’s an “auteur” who seems to actually hate his audiences. He has no concept of storytelling. His films look like they were made by a group of mentally handicapped four-year-olds. I weep for those who’ve unwittingly subjected themselves to this, or any of his films. So far, I’ve done it twice. I’ll never do it again.
ABNB! Rating: 0 out of 5 (No colorful euphemism could ever properly convey just how much I hate this movie.)
For More Info: IMDb / Rotten Tomatoes / Wikipedia / Official Site
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