Thursday, January 31, 2008

Shoot 'Em Up (2007) Film Review

It’s a good year to be a Guy Movie fan. It all started last year, when SNAKES ON A PLANE and CRANK finally brought all of their internet hype to the big screen, and showed that Hollywood still has it in itself to get a little (or a lot) stupid for the sake of a fun thrill ride. This year alone has produced two standout Guy Movies: 300 and GRINDHOUSE; and now, SHOOT ‘EM UP has blasted its way onto the big screen, and into my heart like no other film before it.

Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino thought they had “The Most Outrageous Guy Movie of 2007 Award” sown up with their sleazy double-feature–but that was before Michael Davis stepped up to bat, and proceeded to hit a grand slam not just out of the park–try out of the city; out of the county; out of the state even!

When you hear SHOOT described as a nonstop action extravaganza from start to finish, they’re telling you the truth! There is no false advertising here. Check your brain cells at the door, and prepare yourself for an hour and twenty some-odd minutes of live action cartoon violence Chuck Jones would be proud of.

So what exactly makes SHOOT a great Guy Movie? I'm glad you asked, here's the skinny: Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti are terrific as the opposing forces creating this hurricane of violence. Clive is the embodiment of that stoic loner badass with rugged good looks all us average schmoes secretly wish we were at certain points in our loves. Paul has his acting amplifier cranked up to 11 as Hertz, a psychotic lunatic mercenary type who will stop at nothing to finish his mission, with as much humor and panache as is humanly possible that is. And then there's Monica Bellucci as the hot-as-balls Donna Quintano, a high class hooker whose specialty is filling a particular niche that, at first glance is downright absurd, but then again ... it is Monica Bellucci, so how bad could it be? The acting is great, the dialog is stilted and cartoonish in all the right ways, the action sequences are mind blowingly awesome and original, and if the hard rock soundtrack doesn't get your adrenaline pumping, check your pulse because you my friend, are a corpse.

"Let's play a game, first I'll shoot you in the face, and then you shoot me in the face, and the first one to hit the floor loses ... whaddya say?"

The film is funny, exciting, and worth every penny you can throw at it. I can't recommend this movie enough. Go see it, rent it, buy it, DVR it ... whatever it takes, check it out!

ABNB! Rating: 5 out of 5 (It's a BANG BANG of a good time! An instant classic.)
For More Info: IMDb / Rotten Tomatoes / Wikipedia / Official Site

Balls of Fury (2007) Film Review

I grew up playing ping-pong whenever possible, so I had a genuine interest in seeing this flick. I’m also a fan of Christopher Walken, James Hong, Maggie Q, Terry Crews, Robert Patrick, and Thomas Lennon, so that didn’t hurt either. Unfortunately, even with a stacked cast and an interesting plot device, BALLS OF FURY is anything but what its title implies. It’s a dismal, unfunny, lame attempt at a DODGEBALL sequel without any of the commitment or hang-ups–like writing the checks it would take to get Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller back in the mix.

BALLS is directed and co-written by Ben Garant (with Thomas Lennon). Fans of “Reno 911” and “The State” will recognize those names. I’m no fan of “Reno” but “The State” still resonates with me to this day as some of the funniest sketch comedy I’ve ever seen. Knowing their potential, it just makes me shake my head at how incredibly tame and unimaginative the humor is here. I mean, is this really all they could come up with? Are they saving all their best stuff for the DVD? Did the studio meddle and test screen this flick until all the backbone and originality evaporated? There has to be an explanation.

"This movie stinks ... like stale French fries."

Then again, maybe the kids have just outgrown their funny bones? Either way, BALLS OF FURY is nigh unwatchable, and is destined for many a Top 10 Worst Films of 2007 list. I’ve already got it penciled into mine.

ABNB! Rating: 2 out of 5 (An unfortunate mess. Wasted potential all around.)
For More Info: IMDb / Rotten Tomatoes / Wikipedia / Official Site

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007) Film Review

I’m not going to waste a lot of time writing a review for IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE, because quite frankly, I just don’t have the energy. Uwe Boll suckered me into the theater to watch this stinker, because he produced a kick ass trailer for his movie, and wisely kept his name thirty miles away from it. Normally I’ll check out a movie’s details online beforehand, but for whatever reason I didn’t for this one. To his credit, Uwe also skipped the usual opening credit procedure for the film, instead just giving us the title and jumping into the movie.

For two hours I sat there wondering, “How in the hell did a movie this awful ever manage to get made, or nab such a rich cast?” When it was all said and done, and the mundane exploits of Farmer (Jason Statham) and his army of Ebb was over, the truth finally came through and kicked me in the nuts with a steel-toe boot…”A Film by Uwe Boll.” That credit said it all, and thus began my twenty-four hour personal hate cycle.

If I was forced to explain the plot of this train wreck, here is what you’d get: Jason Statham is Farmer, a Farmer (how novel). He has a wife (Claire Forlani) and a young boy. One day Farmer is minding his own business when a group of rubbery orc type creatures, looking like they just ran off the set of the latest TOXIC AVENGER movie, attack him and his family. Farmer fights them off with relative ease, but his family ain’t so lucky. His wife is captured, and his son--well, I don’t want to spoil it for you. Let’s just say that because of what happens to his son, the manner in which his parents carry themselves throughout the rest of the movie makes absolutely no sense.

There are tree hugging, vine swinging lesbians, there are magician battles, there are ninja warriors, and there’s horribly miscast roles all throughout the film. I’m declaring a new law of cinema right now: Burt Reynolds should never ever be cast as any kind of king, and Ray Liotta needs to stick to roles that play of his quiet rage and subdued nature, and not call for him to “ham it up” as he does here, because he’s terrible at it. Jason Statham excels when he’s swinging a sword, but sucks at everything else. He whispers all of his lines as if he caught a bad case of laryngitis before filming, and again his reaction to what happens his kid will leave any parent scratching their head. The rest of the cast doesn’t fare much better: Ron Perlman is collecting a paycheck; Leelee Sobieski is still busy killing her own career; what Jonathon Rhys-Davies lost in weight, he’s more than made up for in crazy; Matthew Lillard is possibly the only bright spot, because he’s so awful it’s obvious he knows he’s in a crappy film--or at least I’d like to think that.

IN THE NAME OF THE KING is the sort of movie I imagine is playing on the big screens of Hell for all of eternity. It’s the sort of movie you’d make your kids watch as punishment for breaking a window, or scratching a car. Not the whole movie, though--fifteen minutes would do the trick. It’s the sort of movie you would only choose watch, because you’re determined to commit suicide, but need a little extra motivation to actually go through with it.

Uwe Boll is worse than a hack filmmaker; he’s an “auteur” who seems to actually hate his audiences. He has no concept of storytelling. His films look like they were made by a group of mentally handicapped four-year-olds. I weep for those who’ve unwittingly subjected themselves to this, or any of his films. So far, I’ve done it twice. I’ll never do it again.

ABNB! Rating: 0 out of 5 (No colorful euphemism could ever properly convey just how much I hate this movie.)
For More Info: IMDb / Rotten Tomatoes / Wikipedia / Official Site

There Will Be Blood (2007) Film Review

After having seen THERE WILL BE BLOOD, I can't really tell you what it's about. I mean, I can sit here and presume to know what it was about, but I can't be sure. I think it had something to do with the main character's unquenchable thirst for success over his enemies, no matter the cost, but I'm probably wrong.

What I do know about the movie is that it's chock full of brilliant set pieces, landscapes, cinematography, and acting. There were moments scattered throughout the flick that were so breathtaking to watch, they gave me goosebumps. Scenes like the opener, where we see Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis) mining away in the middle of nowhere for gold. The entire scene is completely scoreless--it's just him, us, and the mine. The moments that followed set the tone for the rest of the movie, which means it's pretty clear within the first five minutes whether you're the sort of person that'll be along for the ride, or ready to hope off. If you're apart of the latter don't feel bad as I'd imagine you're in the majority. The entire style in which director Paul Thomas Anderson takes in making this movie is one only critics and film buffs seem to appreciate. There's little narrative, more slice of life, and tons of quiet--almost subliminal--character development. If that doesn't sound like your sort of show, I beg you to do yourself a favor and find something else to occupy your hours. I won't think any less of you, promise.

The story is as follows: Plainview hits it rich after successfully harvesting a goldmine, at the near expense of his life. Using his newfound riches, he starts an oil mining company. Along the way he adopts the child of one of his men after he is killed in a horrific mining accident, raising it as his own. We then follow him to a small town called Little Boston, where he takes the town under his wing, modernizes it as best a turn of the century old west town could be modernized, and ultimately feuds with that towns Jimmy Swaggart in training, Eli (Paul Dano). We catch glimpses into what makes Plainview the man he is--from his sincere, no nonsense "If I say I'm an oilman..." pitches, to his ability to genuinely love someone, yet cut them loose if they get in the way of his work. He's a lonely, enigmatic man whose sole purpose in life is to win, period.

Anderson really seems to be strutting his filmmaking tail feathers here, picking a book that he can adapt to screen, strictly so he can set up interesting shots and set pieces. The intricate detail that went into creating the growing town of Little Boston, and the oil wells that would spring up around it is nothing short of amazing. I believe this is probably why a regular schmo like I had such a difficult time following the story--Anderson purposefully overlooked portions of the story in favor of the visuals. And while Anderson was off building life size old school oil dereks that he could set on fire, Day-Lewis was allowed to stretch his legs and really dig deep under the skin of his character. It's as if the people running the asylum went nuts, and started creating this fascinating piece of organized chaos.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD is most definitely a guy movie, though it won't be for every guy. The film appeals to the much smaller group of patient guy movie lovers--of which there are not many. In the end, it's all about one man's war against the world; the endless competition within himself to never let anyone else beat him. It's about the dangers of having so much raw inner strength, will, and conviction, it corrupts the soul, and prevents you from taking joy in anything. This was a solid, solid movie.

"My son, H.W. and I are here for one thing, and one thing only... drink your milkshake. TO DRINK IT UP!"

ABNB! Rating: 4 out of 5 (I loved it, but you might not. If you've got the patience, and are willing to think, more power to you, my brother.)
For More Info:
IMDb / Rotten Tomatoes / Wikipedia / Official Site

Fun FAQ-toid: Why are Paul and Eli Sunday played by the same actor?
Paul Dano was originally casted as Paul Sunday only and when the original actor playing Eli Sunday left, Dano was cast. At that point, it was too late to re-shoot the scene with Paul Sunday so the film plays out that Paul is Eli's identical twin. Paul Dano stated to an NPR interviewer that he had less than a week to prepare for the role of Eli.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

D-Wars (2007) Film Review

If you've found yourself loafing around lately, wondering what ever happened to JACKIE BROWN's bail bondsman Max Cherry, or main alien Max from Fox's "Roswell," allow me to shift your attention to a little film called DRAGON WARS. Oh wait, I'm sorry, that's not hip enough for today's audiences--I meant D-WAR. Yeeeeah, that's better.

Max Cherry is Robert Forster, and Robert Forster is Jack, a wise old junk dealer with a nasty gash on his arm, a penchant for robe wearing, and a rather unhealthy interest in the fates of Ethan (Jason Behr) and Sarah (Amanda Brooks). Ethan is a television news reporter who looks like he spent so many hours practicing Blue Steel his face froze that way, as well as looking like he just fell out of a time machine from the 70's. Sarah is...well...this chick who is important because she was born with a gnarly little red dragon tattoo on her shoulder. Other than that, she has no skills, no brains, and is generally unlikeable.

And that's the problem with D-WAR--the characters are one-note cardboard cutouts, unrecognizable as real people, and just generally miserable to watch. Well, that's at least one of the problems. The biggest problem with this flick is the fact that there's no dragons in it, despite what the title suggests. With the title and the previews, we're presented a movie that while obviously cheesy, boasts a plethora of dragon-on-dragon crime that's sure to make our little hearts flutter with joy. But instead all we get is one big ugly poorly rendered CGI snake. Oh, the big ugly poorly rendered CGI snake has little ugly poorly rendered friends, like mini-dragoids and slow slugephant type thingies, but nothing remotely resembling any dragon I've ever seen.

ACK! A giant f'n snake ... in a dragon movie! I must be tripping balls, man.

Some of the shots of the big ugly poorly rendered CGI snake ripping up LA while chasing after our "heroes" are cool--the shot of it tearing through a parking garage is pretty stinking cool to look at, as an example--but we're never treated to the harsh realities of this snake's actions. We see cars flying, we see buildings crumble, we see debris fly everywhere, but we never see the snake actually kill people. The only time we see the snake sink its teeth into someone, it's a grab-bite-drop sorta deal. The big ugly poorly rendered CGI snake couldn't even eat the stinking person!

Continuity is any film's best friend, but don't tell that to writer/director Hyung-rae Shim. Apparently he finds it acceptable to have your regular LA citizens be care freely sipping lattes in coffee houses just hours after the city was attacked by deadly giant snake. I mean c'mon! Wouldn't the city be in an uproar after something like that? Do you really think folks would be in their right mind enough to put the pandemonium on pause long enough to get their caffeine fix? I sure don't.

Another issue with continuity is glaring in the earlier stages of the film when there appears to be some genuine attempts at slapstick or cheesy humor. Choices of acting styles, phrases of dialog, and a well timed scream by a big black man who just caught a stiff back hand all spring to mind as examples of a film fighting an identity crisis. Either D-WAR was supposed to be a serious tale based on an ancient Korean bedtime story, or it was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek CGI fest aimed at children, but fun enough for their parents, too. Unfortunately for all, because it never commits to one, it winds up being neither.

"You do realize starring in this movie is career suicide, right?"
"At least I don't look like Mr. T's little,
less talented brother, brother."
"Y'know what, if I wasn't already winded, I'd put this camera right up yo..."

I don't mean to come off as harsh as I do in this review. I'm sure Hyung-rae Shim is a wonderfully talented director in his native Korea. Maybe it's the cultural differences, maybe it's my bad (as in bad) movie well overflowing, maybe it's my time of the month, or maybe it's my desire to see good CGI driven films, not bad CGI driven films that look like the CGI in question is about a month away from being finished. Either way, I still don't like this movie.

ABNB! Rating: 1.5 out of 5 (I watched it so you don't have to, so don't let my sacrifice be in vein.)
For More Info: IMDb / Rotten Tomatoes / Wikipedia / Official Site

Hey, check out this nifty
movie poster
made just for the US!
Wow, that's not misleading at all!

Cloverfield (2008) Film Review

When I first saw the trailer for CLOVERFIELD right before TRANSFORMERS last summer, I didn’t know what to make of it. From what I could gather from the rather cryptic untitled preview was it was about a group of young people (about my age) who happened to be more successful than I, having more fun than I, and about to be thrust into a catastrophic situation unlike anything I had ever, or would ever see. One other thing I noticed: The entire trailer was filmed from the point of view of a personal video camera. Not a new idea, but boy, when that huge explosions hits New York, and I saw the big green dome of Miss Liberty crashing down into the streets of NYC, I couldn’t help but think, “Man, whatever this is, it’s gonna be so rad!”

Whelp, the time has come, and CLOVERFIELD has officially been named and unleashed upon the masses. So what do I have to say after having seen it? Man, whatever that was, it was so friggin rad!

Here’s a spoiler free rundown of the plot basics: Rob (Michael Stahl-David) is receiving a going away surprise party by his friends. During the party we meet his best friend Hud (T.J. Miller) the cameraman, Jason (Mike Vogel) Rob’s brother, Lily (Jessica Lucas) Jason’s girlfriend, and Marlena (Lizzy Caplan) the plain Jane girl mush-mouthed Hud has a crush on. The group is enjoying their seemingly innocuous party when a sudden rumble shakes the building. A rush to the roof reveals a mighty explosion in midtown Manhattan. Before we know it, the kids are on the street watching Miss Liberty’s head cascade through downtown New York to a worried and confused throng of citizens, all with cellphone cameras at the ready. It’s at this point in the film that every preconceived notion one might have about this film is flushed down the crapper. The twists and turns this film takes are shocking, frightening, and thrilling in every way. The first person perspective, while awkward at first, really helps suck the audience into the story with the cast, allowing us to feel the same rush of adrenaline and fear they do, when they do. At times I could feel myself wanting to move back and watch the action at a safe distance, but because of the style chosen for the film, that just isn’t possible.

The effects in the film are amazing. I found myself wondering how the hell they managed to pull a lot of this stuff off. Whether it be the exchanges between the creature in the film and the US military, the close-up shots of the creature itself, or even the simplest of camera movement, I cannot even begin to imagine the headache the filmmakers must have had trying to light, mark, and capture audio for some of the scenes.

Caution to those going into this film expecting a story that’s going to answer everything that’s presented. While yes, this is a creature feature, no, there is never an explanation given as to where or how this creature came to be in New York City. This is merely a fly-on-the-wall story, where we get to share a slice of these kids lives on their most horrific day imaginable.

While there isn’t any nakedness going on in the film, CLOVERFIELD definitely offers up enough bullet spitting, monster mashing, and quirky one-liners to qualify as a Guy Movie. Expect to identify heavily with Hud, as he manages to say exactly the wrong thing at all of the right times. If you ever wanted to know how you’d react in a situation like his, just watch and listen and you’ll get a pretty good idea.

CLOVERFIELD is highly recommended viewing for any Guy Movie lover. Just make sure anyone you take doesn’t get queasy easy, otherwise you might want to pack a couple vomit bags just in case.

ABNB! Rating: 5 out of 5 (Absolute Must See!)
For More Info: IMDb / Rotten Tomatoes / Wikipedia / Official Site

ABNB! BotW -- Shannon Tweed

You might not know it by looking at her today, but before Shannon Tweed went and got herself all domesticated and motherly, she was busy titillating a generation of young men just as they began to venture into that innocent time of--self discovery. If you’re in your late 20’s to early 30’s, and were fortunate enough to have a TV in your bedroom with a decent cable box equipped with channels like Showtime and Cinemax you should know exactly what I’m talking about.

Mrs. Tweed first caught attention as Miss November 1981 in the pages of Playboy. I was little more than a Pamper Crapper at the time, but it was obvious to men worldwide that this lady wasn’t just another bunny who’d be here this month, and gone the next. She possessed that important “All American Girl Next Door” quality that most men find irresistible. That’s sort of funny considering she’s Canadian, but I digress. It wasn’t long before Hollywood realized that Shannon had that extra something special, and started putting her on TV. She bummed around shows like “Falcon Crest” and “Fantasy Island” for a while, cutting her teeth on primetime fare, before landing the role that would melt hearts and pitch tents from coast to coast as Sylvia Fonda in 1984’s HOT DOG…THE MOVIE!

Not only was HOT DOG…THE MOVIE one of the first movies to truly capitalize on the awesomeness of the ellipse, it was also the first major motion picture to capitalize on Shannon Tweed’s greatest assets, as well as introduce everyone to what would eventually become the woman’s cinematic signature movie: Simulated Cowgirl! Unfortunately, Shannon would go another seven years before tapping into her undressed potential, attempting to carve out a legitimate acting career--including a single episode stint on “Highway to Heaven.”

1991 saw the death of Shannon’s dreams of becoming an A-List actress, and the birth of her new career as the Queen of Late Night Pay Cable! Her first foray into the steamy genre of Skinemax Erotica was LAST CALL, a real thriller about love, revenge, embezzlement, and lots of hard nasty sex in awkward places. I’m talking elevators, stairwells, rooftops--you name it, it’s probably in there. What made LAST CALL even more fun was that Shannon got to sex it up with everyone’s favorite “Greatest American Hero” William Katt! Talk about your career nosedives. Guess that movie about a baby Brontosaurus wasn’t such a good idea after all, eh Billy? Funny thing though, William Katt wouldn’t be the only former male TV star to earn a paycheck knocking boots with Tweed in the 90’s. Former studs like James Brolin, Jan-Michael Vincent, and Marc Singer would all have their turn--Marc even got to do it twice!

Through the first two thirds of the 90’s Shannon was pumping out a good one-to-two softcore skin flicks a year, most having to do with therapy and stripping, or journalism and stripping, or revenge seeking…and stripping. There wasn’t a lot of originality to these movies by way of plot, either. Most of the time Shannon was just pretending to be one of those mythical empowered and independent women, with a studious profession and a penchant for hot nasty sex on white sheets and some kind of funky lamp that gave everything a velvet/aqua/rose colored tint. These films weren’t masterpieces by any stretch, but they provided growing boys exactly what they were looking for: Lots of sexual content starring Shannon Tweed.

As the decade began to wind down, so did Tweed’s needs for wacky sexual exploits. She began trading on her softcore fame for supporting roles in made-for-TV action movies starring has-beens and professional wrestlers (see: ASSAULT ON DEVIL’S ISLAND, and ASSAULT ON DEATH MOUNTAIN). As she entered the new millennium, Shannon managed to squeeze a couple more skin flicks out before finally retiring her assets for supporting roles on failing sitcoms like “Run of the House” and “The Parkers.”

Now everyone can see Shannon as a mother of two, and common-law wife of legendary rock god Gene Simmons of KISS on Gene’s reality show, “Family Jewels.” The woman’s come a long way in her twenty plus years in the limelight, and she single-handily managed to shape a generation of young men’s ideas and notions of what a great sex life should be. I guess it’s safe to say Shannon is probably the single most exciting, and yet detrimental figure in my life in that regard.

Thank you Shannon, for giving us guys endless amounts of entertainment, while setting the bar impossibly high for our future wives and girlfriends.

My Top 5 Favorite Shannon Tweed Movies (and why):

5. Electra (1996) -- Easily one of the weirdest softcore skin flicks I’ve ever had the pleasure of watching, the story revolves around Shannon Tweed and her lusting after he skinny little stepson, Billy. One fact of note here: Shannon Tweed actually plays a bad guy in this film…something she rarely did. It might sound a little sick, but if Shannon Tweed were my step mom, I’d let her do whatever she wanted. I’m just saying.

4. Hot Dog…the Movie (1984) -- It’s the first on-screen appearance of Shannon’s Tweeds, so it’s a shoe-in for my top five. Besides that, she’s just so fresh-faced and cute, I never get tired of seeing the best parts of this flick over and over. Now, trying to tie me down long enough to watch the whole thing…fat chance, bucko!

3. Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (1989) -- No real nudity to speak of; it’s just a silly-ass movie starring Shannon Tweed, Adrienne Barbeau, Karen Mistal, and a younger less obnoxious (but still really obnoxious) Bill Maher. To call it an indictment on the feminist movement would be giving it too much credit. It’s simply a chucklefest from start to finish. Someone should suggest this to the guys over at!

2. Scorned (1994) -- Here’s another movie where The Tweed plays the antagonist, only this time she’s out for revenge! Her three-step plan is nothing short of brilliant: Get in good with the family; seduce and sleep with everybody; start killing them off one by one. It’s a movie the whole family can enjoy! She is probably her best film with regular 90’s on-screen partner, Andrew Stevens (who also directed).

1. Night Fire (1994) -- This movie was one of my first experiences with the whole Skinemax subculture of film. Not only did it offer a bounty of hot Tweedness, it also managed to introduce me to another late night pay cable siren whom I’d come to love, Rochelle Swanson! It’s pretty much a battle for supremacy between the ultimate late night blonde, and ultimate late night brunette. And the two of them pretty much do everything but mud wrestle!

Some fun facts about Shannon Tweed:
Playboy Playmate of the Month November 1981.
Playboy Playmate of the Year 1982.
Older sister of Tracy Tweed.
Has two children with Gene Simmons: a son, Nick Simmons(b. 1989), and a daughter, Sophie Simmons(b. 1992).
Represented the Ottawa Valley in the 1978 Miss Canada Pageant, placing fourth.
Is the third of seven children. She has 3 brothers and 3 sisters.
Her appearance in Playboy was arranged by a Canadian TV series entitled "Thrill of a Lifetime" (1981) which fulfilled real-life fantasies of ordinary Canadians.
Measurements: 34A/B-24-35 (at age 18-self-described), 36B/C-25-36 (as Playmate & actress), (Source: Celebrity Sleuth magazine)

For more info on Shannon Tweed you can visit: IMDb / Wikipedia /

ABNB! Spotlights Short Films & Trailers

I'm a huge fan of short films and trailers, so I've taken it upon myself to spotlight those that best represent this blog and its purpose here. Below you'll find links to posts either containing the short film or trailer itself (right inside the post), or a link to another site which features said film and/or trailer. Suggestions for future spotlights welcome, so drop a comment.

Short Films


ABNB! Interviews

This section will house an organized listing of all the different interviews I hope to do for this blog. I currently don't have any lined up, nor know how I will get them, but I do plan on getting them, so let's keep our fingers crossed about that, shall we?

Features, Articles, Profiles & Rants

This here is your one stop clickin' shop for all the writings on this site that aren't reviews. I've conveniently categorized everything for easy perusal. So, go ahead and start clicking, and enjoy! - Junior Bruce

Top 10 Lists
Ex-Football Players Turned Actors - Feb. 3, 2008

Stud of the Month

Babe of the Month
Shannon Tweed - January 2008



ABNB! Stud of the Month Index

2008 Studs of the Month

January: Sylvester Stallone

ABNB! Babe of the Week Index

February 2008
Week 4:
Week 3:
Week 2:
Week 1:

January 2008
Week 4: Shannon Tweed
Week 3: N/A
Week 2: N/A
Week 1: N/A

ABNB! To Do List

This is just a list of all the Guy Movies I have yet to write a review/article for. As I write these up, I'll remove them from the list. This list is a work in progress...

Big Trouble in Little China
Kill Bill Vol. 1
Kill Bill Vol. 2
Pulp Fiction
Reservoir Dogs
Jackie Brown
Grind House:
Planet Terror
Death Proof
Tango & Cash
Shaun of the Dead
Blind Fury
Red Dawn
The Outsiders
The Karate Kid
The Karate Kid II
Rambo: First Blood
Rambo: First Blood Part II
Rambo III
Rocky II
Rocky III
Rocky IV
Rocky V
Rocky Balboa
Bubba Ho-tep
Monster Squad
Smokin' Aces
Iron Eagle
American Ninja
American Ninja II

ABNB! Review Index

A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N
O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z | #


Balls of Fury (2007) 2 out of 5

Cloverfield (2008) 5 out of 5

D-War (2007) 1.5 out of 5


Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) 2.5 out of 5



In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale (2007) 0 out of 5










Shoot 'Em Up (2007) 5 out of 5

There Will Be Blood (2007) 4 out of 5








* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N
O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z | #






Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (Standard Edition) 2 out of 5






















Tuesday, January 1, 2008

About ABNB!

In the last few years I've started to notice something: The Guy Movie, a genre near and dear to my heart, no longer seems to get the love it once deserved. I'm talking about films chock full of mindless violence, big explosions, silly plots, colorful characters, catchy one-liners, and the kind of babes we normal Joe's could only dream of getting. Lately it just seems like these sorts of films no longer get the play or recognition they once deserved. Fewer and fewer are made, and worse yet, with this utter lack of respect and attention, what were once reputable guy movie fanatics are starting to become disillusioned. I hope to put a stop to that. Hello, I'm Junior Bruce, founder, owner, and operator of ABNB!--short for "All Balls No Brains!"

Here's what you can expect from ABNB! in the days, weeks, and hopefully months to come: The latest news surrounding upcoming Guy Movies, reviews of the latest Guy Movie releases, reviews of Guy Movie DVD releases, profiles of legendary Guy Movie stars and starlets, interviews with Guy Movie actors/actresses/writers/directors, articles about the genre, and so much more.


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For each visitor to our Web page, our Web server automatically recognizes only the consumer's domain name, but not the e-mail address (where possible).

We collect only the domain name, but not the e-mail address of visitors to our Web page, the e-mail addresses of those who post messages to our bulletin board, the e-mail addresses of those who communicate with us via e-mail, the e-mail addresses of those who make postings to our chat areas, aggregate information on what pages consumers access or visit, user-specific information on what pages consumers access or visit, information volunteered by the consumer, such as survey information and/or site registrations.

The information we collect is used to improve the content of our Web page, used to notify consumers about updates to our Web site.

With respect to cookies: We do not set any cookies.

If you do not want to receive e-mail from us in the future, please let us know by sending us e-mail at the above address.

With respect to Ad Servers: To try and bring you offers that are of interest to you, we have relationships with other companies that we allow to place ads on our Web pages. As a result of your visit to our site, ad server companies may collect information such as your domain type, your IP address and clickstream information. For further information, consult the privacy policies of:

If you feel that this site is not following its stated information policy, you may contact us at the above addresses or phone number.

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